Pop-Up Workshop 1 - On Thin Ice

COUNTERINTUITIVE LISTENING MINDSET 1: Supporting over Solving

What makes you successful at work sucks the life out of your relationships. Stop treating people as problems to be solved, and start embracing people as humans wishing to be seen.

Visual Essays

• The Problem Solving Pandemic
• The Heartbreak of Breadwinning
• Do You Listen Like a Mirror or a Prism?
• The Order of Operations of Listening

Journal Prompts

Think of a time you realized you weren’t actually listening to someone. What were you doing instead, or what thoughts were you preoccupied with?

What would it look like to show up for others, especially when they share their emotions, without trying to solve anything?

Think of a time you vented to someone you trust, and they gave you advice that you’ve either considered or did not ask for. What did you feel? In what ways do you show up like this to others who come to you for emotional support?

THE BIG TAKEAWAY

Ask this question when listening to others: “Do you need me to listen to help you process, or would you like me to help you figure out a solution?”

What Did Other People Learn In The Workshop?

• Getting my emotions validated is sometimes exactly what I need!
• How to be more supportive - different people want different things. Validation!! People want to be seen!
• The importance of slowing down and listening more.
• Validation is by itself so powerful.
• Ask if someone wants to a space to vent, or wants advice
• Listening meets a person exactly where they’re at
• Understanding > advising
• We are not problems to be solved, but people to be seen
• Allow yourself to listen to the whole story before giving advice

Key Q&A Insights

What general advice can I give to someone who is a problem-solver?

You have a few choices and it depends on your capacity. Are you able to tolerate their behavior? Are you willing to take the risk of sharing the impact that they have on you? Are you able to lean into the difficult conversation of owning your part in creating that dynamic, where you too are a problem solver?

Those things are some of the choice points you have, but it all depends on your relationship, your history, what your capacity is and what their capacity is. We can’t force someone to magically meet us where we are, if they’re not ready and not willing to confront these aspects of themselves.

When I’m in an argument, I usually default to using a neutral tone and have been told that it sounds condescending. What advice do you have to approach conflict?

The specific principle we’ll talk about is congruence versus being collected. Sounds like you optimize for being calm and having it together. It’s very clear something is leaking out and it’s having an adverse impact. There’s actually a lot of power, and skill that’s required to actually lean into the anger and the frustration and put it on the table.

The more you try to hide it, the more it leaks out. Your anger is leaking. Your unprocessed emotion is leaking. So it’s about instead of hiding it, which is what we are taught to do, actually bringing it up in a skillful way.

What’s really important to emphasize is that there’s no one size fits all. We can learn all these tactics, but you’re going to have to try something different with each person.

How can you be effective dancing the fine line between supporting and solving?

The easiest clue is if they ask, is for you to brainstorm, or “Can you help me with something?” Or like, “What are your thoughts around this?” is usually a clearer invitation for advice. And even then, you want to double check. A lot of what we’re teaching comes from a culture of consent at every level. Do you need this right now? Do you want this right now?

Outside of that, it really is just asking.