Pop-Up Workshop 2 - Calling the Shots

COUNTERINTUITIVE LISTENING MINDSET 2: Pleasure over Proving

You are only as likable as you are selfish. Only when you make filling your cup a priority can you show up with the kind of generosity that nurtures you back when shared with others.

THE BIG TAKEAWAY

Once a day, find a moment you enjoyed and share it with that person: “I like it when…”

What Did Other People Learn In The Workshop?

• Your Joy is my new favorite thing!
• people are attracted to positive joy and energy
• inspiration to pursue joy as a form of resistance
• sharing what i like about people more
• How powerful it is to dig deeper past the superficial notions we’re accustomed to and be vulnerable – even if it’s someone you just met.
• Verbalize joy, joy, JOY continually
• permission to give myself pleasure
• Focus on pleasure and allow your childlike spirit to be free! Share your joy and feeling of connection to others.
• Being vulnerable is the shit
• Sharing joy creates more joy. People are more interesting when they don’t care what other people think
• play is evidence of the child that survived
• Instead of trying to impress others, I can connect and find pleasure by sharing what I want to share
• chasing pleasure allows proving to come along WITHOUT the stress
• Unapologetically pursue joy

Journal Prompts

How would you feel in your conversations if you prioritized your own enjoyment instead of trying to constantly add value to others?

What would it look like to approach conversations as if you were already good enough and had nothing to prove?

What in your life could you reclaim if you began to believe that your worth is not determined by anyone other than yourself?

Key Q&A Insights

As people, you come across as confident and happy. How long did it take you to get there?

I’d say, I think of it as compounding. Interestingly enough, it gets faster rather than a linear one.

I really love this quote by Rumi: “Our task is not to find love, but to eliminate all our barriers to love.” Some of us have retained as a child, the ability to feel joy and explore that. But some of us have that just covered in rubble that we have to clear first.

A lot of my early inner work had more to do with first learning emotional literacy. Because if you can’t feel in one area, then you can’t feel in all other areas. What is attributable to my parents? What is attributable to my own decisions, and what can I do in that process?

It’s a very sudden transformation that is not sudden at all - the realization that you’re there in some way is sudden, so it’s very un-intuitive.

How do you pursue pleasure ethically, within reason, and with balance?

For some, it’s that you’ve never pursued pleasure or that has never been a priority. And so the journey for you then is to simply start, without even the consideration yet of, “Oh my God. Am I taking up too much time?” Because guess what? That’s just your inner critic still screaming at you.

Another journey is you can become too consumed, and too excited in the process that you basically have blinders on, and you can no longer see the other person. For a person who has that challenge, it’s about noticing what is happening in real time.

When I do this, I know the impact it has on me. I’m enjoying myself, but what impact does it have on this person? So you’re expanding your awareness from not just me, but also us.

I feel like I experienced a rude awakening lately. I thought I’ve been “doing my own life”, but I realized I’m actually reacting to everyone else’s.

Welcome to being human. Welcome to discovering that your wiring has predisposed you to living this way.

Up until today, there was this Google doc about your values and what you care about. It was view-only, and the people that had edit access were your parents or society or friends. And today, you looked up and you saw that you can now edit it.

Start small. Start with each day, lean into one thing, one moment that is particularly enjoyable and savor that just a little bit more. Because if you don’t know what you enjoy, how can you ask for more?

Was there a defining moment that you had to go through to come be a bit more of your authentic self?

So as a gay man, I don’t have a choice. It is self-preservation. I grew up in a world where people throw around gay as an insult. I was closeted up until 21.

I tolerated denial from my parents for years until I was done. That completely changed the dynamic. It was no longer like, “How do I earn their approval and love?” That was the proving proving proving.

I had to fight for my own happiness, but then I realized, I’m tired of fighting for my happiness and I’m just going to be happy. It’s like, after that happens, then the true magic happens.

I’m just gonna live my life and you can follow if you want. And if you don’t, you can get out of my way. Like that’s how I feel now. I’m just gonna move where I want to go. And if you’re in the way, I’m gonna ask you to leave.